Author Archives: Mr. X

Nationwide Employee Of The Month Outed As Bear

Sourced from a newspaper article, transcribed by Mr. X.

DAYTON, OH—Bob Calhoun, insurance agent for eight years of the local Stalsworth and Associates Nationwide Insurance branch, was discovered to be a bear Wednesday.

Susan Charles, the payroll and workforce manager of the Stalsworth and Associates branch, came across proof Bob’s true heritage after finding his original hiring document behind a cabinet. The document, which had never been filed, was missing the social security, address, and citizenship information, simply including a name and gender: Bob Calhoun, male. A brief glance at a few weeks worth of security footage confirmed Charles’ fear – Bob was a bear.
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Sochi Olympics Curse Tied To Mishandled Dragon Egg

Some media outlets have honestly assumed that the first Sochi Olympics mishap occurred within the first 10 minutes of the Opening Ceremony and then swiftly descended into chaos shortly thereafter.

The doomed course on which the Olympics found itself was actually determined years earlier. One of my agents was tasked with covering the entire games, starting from the initial construction phase of Fisht Stadium through the end of the Winter Paralympics. The events that took place are both terrifying yet eerily plausible.
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Accidental Summoning Leaves Demon Disappointed

Sourced from a newspaper article, transcribed by Mr. X.

KIRKLAND, WA—Police are wrapping up their investigation of a bizarre woodside incident that has left a local Wiccan community struggling to find answers. At around 2:15 AM Sunday morning, three women identifying themselves as followers of the Wicca religion allegedly summoned a demon roughly 12-15 feet in height, and completely black, like a shadow, with smoky white eyes and shiny teeth.
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Pygmy Race Discovered In Google Server Room

One of our undercover agents has graced us with this disturbing report straight from his position in Google HQ, where he helps manage their data center. A pygmy race of 6 inch tall, bipedal, sasquatch-like hunter-gatherers has been found living in their servers rooms.

What makes the Google and Facebook data centers, or “bit barns,” different than other traditional data centers is the way server cooling is managed. Standard electrically powered cooling units are replaced with a direct access to outside air. This method does save on electricity costs, but also has the added downside of causing weather conditions inside, from humidity, to clouds, and even rain (which happened in the Facebook data center[1]).

Our reporter believes it is due to these very real weather conditions that the pygmy sasquatches have not only lived but thrived. Continue reading